Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
