my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
