I accidentally burped into my bong.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
