Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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