just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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