Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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