In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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