she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
