We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
