this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
they're like a gay fantastic four
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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