just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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