Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
