My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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