Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
