She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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