u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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