My hair reeks of homosexuality.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
