There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
