you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
