i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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