I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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