new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
then he tried to convert me to islam
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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