EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
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