Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
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