i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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