Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You may now shotgun with the bride
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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