pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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