If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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