he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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