My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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