Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
