Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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