I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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