There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
only if we run a train.
done.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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