So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
