Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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