Got a toothbrush?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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