I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Randomize
