she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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