In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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