Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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