i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
