I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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