Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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