Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
