Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He did a backflip because drugs
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