Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
