I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
