She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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