Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
