The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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