Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
