I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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